September 2020, at Gingerman Raceway, my fastest lap, going into turn 11... crash!
What has been dramatic since, is my change in driving. I have been back to that track a handful of times... and I haven't pushed that corner the same since. I know how to attack it, I know the line, I know how fast I can go, I know when to brake, when to shift, when to get back on the gas... but I just can't.
I got scared, my brakes locked up, I didn't know what was next...
I got scared, I lost control and forgot my training and lessons.
I got scared, and forget the track safety features and those around to protect me.
I got scared, when the car came to the stop the first thing I looked for was my fire extinguisher.
I got scared, and since then racing has been less fast, and less fun.
I started to reflect on this lately, and how it impacted my driving and racing, but how similar mistakes and fear have driven (or better off distracted me) me off my goals. Not just work goals, but also in my family and personal life. When I attack that corner now, I brake too soon and shift too late, afraid of what might happen. Each time driving away... glad I stayed on track, but bummed it was so slow. I even wore my "Go Fast, Don't Die" shirt last time... didn't help.
The other day I was speaking at a panel and someone asked ways I gauge businesses owners I work with and how I think about who will be successful. I mentioned that I look for a balance of fear and confidence. I want someone who respects the work, knows it will be hard, but knows they are ready to roll up their sleeves to get it done. Too much confidence, means they will make critical mistakes, not ask for help, get frustrated and maybe walk away. Too much fear and they will shoot themselves short, second guess everything, take too long, and most likely not accomplish their goal and walk away.
Since that conversation I have thought about all the things that scare me about things that can go wrong... at work, at home, with my kids, in my hobbies, etc.
I think most people would assume I am super confident all the time... and that is probably part of the vibe I give off, but fear has always been there, but I know I can't let it run my life. Fear of what might go wrong, versus the dream of what is possible. I am scared all the time, and usually my confidence makes up for the fear... but not lately.
How do I get the mojo back? Maybe part of that is just acknowledging how I feel and why? Maybe part is just needing another shot and saying, next time it's on.
The 2023 Track Night schedule just came out... I put the Gingerman dates on my calendar. This year I am coming for corner 11... with fear, but with enough confidence to know that I can do it. I can be scared, but I can't let it prevent me from doing what I should be doing... Going Fast, Braking Hard, Shifting, Going Fast(er).